News:

*I think I have the job, but we need to talk about details before I can announce this for certain. But that at least is looking up, and if I take a deep breath, I am not so overwhelmed by what a deep, dark financial hole I'm in that I can't see a way out.

*San Jose is looking doubtful, and this is more crushingly sad than anything else, even not being able to buy ice cream or Guinness. I am still holding out hope, but.... it's not looking good.

*I finished reading The Two Towers. Wow.

*I have developed an organization plan for my entire apartment. It would be so nice if I could get it to a clean place that is easy to maintain.

Exciting stuff, I know....

Oh, you have no idea how much like a Poe character I'd be, then! I'd be in such depths of despair, all alone at home without my lovely friends to gallavant about with.

*sigh* I don't mean to be all pathetic, really, but I just couldn't handle it.... and I'd at least like to know that I could pay you back for the materials.

Marian wrote:

*sigh* I don't mean to be all pathetic, really, but I just couldn't handle it.... and I'd at least like to know that I could pay you back for the materials.

Pardon me but...

1) Yes, you do mean to be pathetic*

2) You can handle it
and
3) When have I ever mentioned anything about paying for materials?

* I'm working with your interpretation.  I certainly do not consider you pathetic.

cyan wrote:

Yes, you do mean to be pathetic

I'm sorry if it comes across that way, but I'm just trying to be realistic. And the reality is, if I can't go to San Jose, I will feel very sorry for myself, but I would also feel worse if you had put extra work into a costume expecting me to be there. I haven't completely ruled out going, and it really is my priority after paying back my family. (And I also have a devious little plan on the side that might help me along....)

But, truly, I wouldn't want a costume, as beautiful as they are and as much as I'd be sure to wow my pub friends, if I couldn't share the experience with you ladies. It would just make me feel worse.

sahi wrote:

Well if you keep living the way you do know when you get your paycheck, you should be able to get out of the hole and possibly even save for SanJose!

*smiles* Yes, I've gotten sort of used to not buying anything. It's the strangest feeling, but then I've also realized how much I buy that I just don't need.... and I don't consider myself particularly frivolous, either.

The money - or the hours, rather - I'm being offered right now is not quite enough to cover bills, so I would probably have to give up my car. (Which would be a sad state of affairs; I am not sure I could get enough to pay off my loan.)

I have another pending interview today that would be a 9 to 5 and is appealing because I would have steady pay, and it would be enough to cover bills and pay back my family and save for trips. (Ignoring things like, oh, car maintenance and dental care, but I've gotten used to that.) So I might be holding out to see if they would want me.

And I would need to start soon. Yesterday, if that was possible!

Marian wrote:

The money - or the hours, rather - I'm being offered right now is not quite enough to cover bills, so I would probably have to give up my car. (Which would be a sad state of affairs; I am not sure I could get enough to pay off my loan.)

Oh, that would be awful!

Congrats Marian!  *huggles*

So, are you relieved?  Less worried now?  San Jose looking more likely?

Yay for jobness! Looks like 2009 will be a kinder year (it had better be!)

I dreamed I was starting a new job tonight. Scary. I don't like places I don't know.

I had strange dreams last night too, but can't remember them now.  Also, I'm still hoping you'll make it to San Jose, it wouldn't be the same without you!

*sets up a small tree in the corner and hangs lights and ornaments*

I'm a little late with that. My main decoration so far has been all my lovely cards on my door.

So.... I've been very blue. I think maybe for a long time. Obviously not every minute of the day, but when I look at the symptoms of depression, and my family's (long and glorious) history of mental illness, I am concerned. I am currently assuming I am clinically depressed, and since I can't go to a psychiatrist, I am trying other "treatments" studies show can help: yoga, meditation, exercise, eating better, affirmations, general self-nurturing.

One of the symptoms I hadn't really considered until I took an online test yesterday was the sense of failure and of being a burden. I cried when I got to those two, because until then, I just thought that it was true. I failed at the one job I've ever had that provided financial security. I failed at being a grown-up. I failed at planning my job transition so that I'd be provided for. I am a burden to the people that are helping me. I am a burden to the people I complain to about how bad I feel, and am bringing them down.

It wasn't until I took that test that I even considered it wasn't actually true. (Or that the setbacks and less-than-wise decision making could be true, but that it doesn't necessarily make me a "failure." And I don't need to sit and have my faults looping through my head all day.) Just a symptom. Something about that is comforting.

Also, looking back, I am presented with a puzzle I haven't quite figured out. Did the job make me depressed, or did I dislike the job so much because I was depressed? It's a little like the chicken-or-the-egg question. I don't think I would have gotten depressed if it weren't for the stress and situational effects of the job, but maybe the negative environment became more exaggerated in my head because of some kind of misfiring in my brain.

Last edited by Marian (2008-12-24 10:09:57)

At the risk of sounding selfish, I find your story inspirational Marian. 

I to quit a job that, despite great coworkers, ultimately made me miserable.  I chose instead to go back to school.  I got massively in debt doing it and then ultimately ended up in a city after I graduated where I essentially knew no one. 

I also had the unfortunate timing of being in said city looking for a job during a massive strike.  I had multiple temp agencies and I was applying everywhere, including places like Borders (close enough to Barnes & Noble I think).  Any way, a long story short, I ended up being unemployed for three months, only surviving because my family was kind enough to help me out financially. 

The good news is I have a job now, and in the field of my choice.  The bad news is it pays nothing.  The end result being I live paycheck to paycheck, scrambling to simply pay my bills and make ends meet. 

Now I have buyers guilt if I buy anything that isn't considered necessary.  On the flip side Ive become quite the cook since my limited budget has forced me to really budget at the grocery store. 

But back to the main point.  I find your posts inspirational because there are many times I doubt myself, even ask what's wrong with me and why couldn't I simply have been ok, like normal folks, with a random, well paying job and a roof over my head instead of dropping it all to put myself in such a precarious position financially simply because "I want to like what I do".

Reading your posts has provided reassurance that I'm not alone in those types of choices and maybe I'm not crazy after all.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'm rooting for you.  I wish you success in your new adventures and may you make it to San Jose

Oh, and p.s., the whole failure/burden thing.  Ive felt the same thing many times and I can safely say its all in the head.

[cross-posted to you-know-where]

The weather is amazing today. It is warm and windy. I put my convertible top down on the way home from the gym, and the wind pulled my hair into a happily manic fray, and leaves swirled around my car as I drove down still-autumnal streets. I am treating myself to an hour on the balcony, with coffee and a bagel, which seems the biggest luxury. I am alternating between reading the paper and writing my blog-entry-to-be by hand.

The wind threatens to pull the comics away. The leaves are organized today, swirling in elegant circles. I think of the fairy book, and try to remember which country has the idea you should not look directly at such swirling leaf-forms, or the impish fairy within will follow you home and cause trouble.

I have been writing (almost) my entire life, and yet I still am figuring out how to write. I want to follow the wisdom of getting as many words on paper as possible and then editing heavily, some days. On other days, I think I am happiest with the thesis and outline, what worked so well for me in college.

Today, I think I write better with pen and paper, the old-fashioned way. Thoughts roll out, paced by pen, and I like the lolling rhythm. I could see myself writing portraits of moody landscapes, of the earth and of the soul, this way.

Philip Pullman writes his books on legal pads, three pages a day. Three pages: no more, no less. Then he goes for walks in the woods behind his cottage. This all appeals to me: the pages, the cottage, the woods.

Slowness appeals to me, more and more, as I age into the summer of my life. My yoga class is slower than everyone else's at the gym, and I can tell who likes it and who does not. I think it is good to encourage ourselves to slow down, to enjoy the process.

The idea of writing a book slowly is scary. I want to write a book now. I want it there, in front of me, finished. But if I could write a good book slowly, rather than a so-so book quickly, I would take the slower path. I would enjoy the lingering exploration of the language, the nuance of rhythm, the way I enjoy my breath in a forward fold, instead of rushing into the next pose.

The wind comes in gusts now. It has brought along a sky full of bruised-grey clouds, as well as a chill edge to the earlier warmth. Someone is trying to fly a kite at the school field across the street. They do well for a while, until the air grows suddenly still, or a violent gust pushes the kite to the ground.

Last edited by Marian (2008-12-28 11:57:50)