I have a problem governing my "inner voice" and often words come outta my mouth that leave me wondering if I'm channeling someone else.

That's why I like communicating via IM or email -- you get a chance to weigh and choose your words, carefully.

*hands jen some cookies*

I don't have ADD or ADHD, could possibly have involuntary narcissistic rage but how would I know? ;)

Anyway, the point is according to the doctors and such I am 'normal'. And you guys all know how normal I am. That's right. Very very normal. Believe it or I'll bash ye in my sleep!

Dammit, wandering again. To the point once more!

I am one of those people who thinks about what I say before I say it. Usually. I draw the line at things which will sound like I deliberately meant it to hurt, even though I didn't. If the truth needs to be told then the truth is told. I don't lie most of the time and stand up for myself all the time. I won't back down to anyone who I think is trying to put one over me. Alot of people find this abrasive and downright offensive. And I'm okay with that. Others love me for it. People know that when they ask me a question they will get an honest answer, I won't try to make them happy by lying to them.

I like the person I am and that's all there is too it. Everyone else can have thier opinions of me, good or bad, and it won't stop me from being who I am.

As far as the communication questions go, a person has two choices. To be able to talk about what is on their mind, and possible receive help from their friends, or to keep it inside and deal with it themselves. I tend to be the latter most of the time. I'm a perfectionist and along with my compulsion to do things myself comes the need to solve my own problems. Its only after I have exhausted every possible course that I will ask for help.

And The secrets I keep are known to me alone. And I shall take over the world with them and the world shall know my terrible glory!

and stuff.

-X

Musicians are the most accepting? Eek, I don't want to see the rest of the world :P

I find that the majority of people out there are very concerned about being politically correct, and act as if it's something horrible when you aren't. But then when they realize it doesn't matter, they open up. I think most people hate being PC (politically correct) but they're just so terrified. I'd point the finger at the people who say "African-Americans" (even though they don't call themselves European-Americans) and "the person with a disability" oh and let's not forget genderless roles, ie "salesperson." I dunno, it just seems kinda silly how much people are preoccupied with not offending anybody.

Because I'm being trained as a teacher (at a liberal arts college, no less), I find myself running into this sooooooooo much. We have to be extremely professional, and we have to learn about diversity and being accepting. (That was the stupid Enduring Questions class I had to take this past semester. Boooooooring.) After a week of that, man I don't care much what I say on the weekends, I just hate so much how we're pretty much being censored. (Yeah, god forbid we actually try to *dicipline* a child for doing something wrong.) It's because of this that I've learned so well what you can and can't say to people.

As far as keeping/telling secrets... somehow I got the value instilled in me when I was very young that I can't really trust anybody with something major until I really really know them, and know that they won't run away from me. As a result, middle school was pretty lonely. High school was too, until I finally started opening up to people. Not just telling them secrets, but being willing to see them outside of the classroom. I think that honestly helped the most. I mean, you can be great friends with somebody when you're sitting next to them in history, but you never see each other outside of that room. I think that's a human thing too, sort of. At least in this area. People aren't very willing to just go hang out with somebody they met that day. I don't know if it's a Northeast Ohio cultural thing, where we have to have our own space, or what. I remember in German class, we were learning a bit about the culture, and our teacher was telling a bit about when she went over to Germany. She said one thing that surprised her was that when she went out to eat, people she didn't even know would sit down next to her and talk with her, while they both ate. Whereas here, one group sits in one booth, another group sits at a table, but people don't really mix.

Hmm, kinda got side-tracked... anyway, secrets. For a while, I was most likely to write them in my journal, or on my blog site (eee, it scares me the stuff I wrote there.. thank god I set all those to private so nobody else could see them!) Now, though, I suppose I don't really have a "deep, dark secret." I've grown close enough to a few people and they've become really great friends, that I don't worry they'll "run away" from me if I tell them something. Actually learning to open up to those people has helped me be more open with others just in general. I'm less afraid of admitting to somethings, or I realize it's nothing to be ashamed of. (Or if they think it is, well just screw them. They suck.)

All in all, it seems people just worry too much about what other people think. So what if every single person in your dorm/class/office/whatever doesn't like you? That doesn't necessarily mean you're a "bad" person (although it might) because there are other people out there.

*shrug* Just my two cents. I'm not ADHD, btw. Just extremely hyper and easily distracted at times. :)

yeah, the worrying about what others think thing is one of the most illusionary problems i've noticed people have.

i live a college town where, on weekends, the streets are flooded with lively 21 year olds. if you stand in your driveway and yell any kind of noise while anyone's walking by, they stop with their friends and try to find out if they're getting communicated to. then get self conscious when they realize they made the noise up. they really think that everyone's talking to them, can't conceive of the fact that all these others are just as likely to be communicated to. human nature i supposed. and i'm rambling again.

Hmmm... I do have secrets though... but that's a whole other matter...

*really going to bed now*

Max, you say that as though you've taken up some odd perversion. It's just vegan. Is it really uncommon where you are? Frowned upon? Or am I just really vegan-positive?

I've always found talking to people difficult... I'm doing better now, but at about 15, I hardly talked at school - not unless I was asked something, and even then, I was very reluctant to answer personal questions. OK, that was partly due to being bullied for several years before then, but even if that hadn't happened, I still wouldn't know how to talk to people. If somebody says something, often I simply don't know what the adequate answer to it would be. Makes conversations quite awkward (often I'll think of the books I've read, to find a similar situation there!)
So often I don't talk to people at all, which makes me appear unfriendly (led to some nasty problems).
And sometimes, the things I say can appear "odd" to others. Not that I care about it any longer (I used to be really embarrased abou saying things that didn't "fit in" - I'd still feel bad when I remembered them years later - but I've trained myself to just think "so what? Nobody remembers it anyway"). But when I think about it, I realize that the only times I let my real opinions show is when I'm really angry, or having a lot of fun. In all other situtions, especially when there are people present that are not close friends , I'll choose my words really carefully - I don't want to show anyone too much of myself, because the more they know, the easier they can wound me.
Secrets... I do not really have any "real" secrets right now... none that I haven't at least shared with the few close friends I have. Although there are many things that I prefer not to tell people I do not know so well... like my problems with my father. I've mentioned them often enough here at Smarch, but none of my classmates, for example, needs to know about him.

oh well... time to get back to class. *groan*

Jendaiya wrote:

Max, you say that as though you've taken up some odd perversion. It's just vegan. Is it really uncommon where you are? Frowned upon? Or am I just really vegan-positive?

my friends are assholes. i'm an asshole. we make fun of each other when we fall in love. they wouldn't, like, shun me, but they've give me crap about it for a while. i'm really just a coward for not owning up to it.

at the same time, i take on life changing phases and experiments all the time and if this ends up failing in the next month or so i'd rather it have been private instead of some ridicule of "remember when you thought you could go vegan, dude? dumbass."

what it is.

I keep trying to say something, but can't concentrate - the common room just got invaded by a class who need to look up something on the Internet (but of course are doing something else than what they're supposed to do), and their teacher, and they're too noisy. Grr.

ah, but since when do any of us know what we're trying to get at? *grins*

I don't know either, but you still get a rambly sort of monster post with a million quotes. That's what happens when I'm at home, have time, and nobody distracts me...

Well, secrets… as I’ve said before, I don’t have any real secrets  - or if I do they’re so secret I’ve forgotten them ;)
I used to have some things I never talked about… but during the last two years or so, I’ve shared them all with my close friends. In fact, when I call somebody a friend, it usually means what other people call best friends – and what other people call friends are just acquaintances (except for about 2 or 3). Yes, I do not let people near me that easily. (However, if I remember something I read at Smarch during a conversation, I’ll usually say, “A friend of mine said…” People don’t need to know about Smarch. *grins*)
Still, as I said before, there are things I prefer not to let people know. Partly because I’m afraid they’ll use them to hurt me, or to try to hurt me. I don’t think they COULD hurt me any more, but I’m not sure.
And I don’t want to be asked questions. And I don’t want pity. Which is why I don’t talk about my father, and, to people I don’t like, not even about my brother. And to many people, I won’t mention I don’t drink alcohol, because they seem to be unable to accept that. Several people have tried to talk, or worse, trick me into drinking it, and that’s one of the worst insults for me.
Still, none of this is a real secret, nothing I need to be ashamed of (OK, yes, I do sometimes feel ashamed of my father, but he’s not my fault). The only real secrets I keep are other people’s secrets. And I guard those better than I would my own.

Ad1tu wrote:

Re the second thing: Why do we have taboo? Because we have to have something to gossip about. It goes back to the dirty little secret. If everybody was open about themselves, there'd be no way to talk about other people and then make ourselves seem to be above those people.

Makes sense…
(though I do my best not to talk about other people - still can't help it sometimes - while no longer caring what other people say about me.

Jendaiya wrote:

Are we that afraid of being hurt by others? That afraid of persecution or of judgement? And why would anyone be judgemental when they likely have "secrets" of their own that would be "frowned upon"?

*hums* Judge not… before you judge yourself… *grins* wonder if I’ll ever get that Bob Marley tape out of my head again? (Not that I want to... I'll tell you a secret: when I was younger, I thought it meant "George Not" *grins again*)

Jendaiya wrote:

Why can we not accept one another? Why can't I tell you my secrets, and you tell me yours?

Because then they wouldn’t be secrets any more ;) No seriously… I don’t know. For me the question is more: why are there people I can’t trust with my secrets? Why are there people who would use my secrets to hurt me with? Why do these people not realize that they would not like that either, and stop?

Genisis X wrote:

Gen: I am one of those people who thinks about what I say before I say it. Usually. I draw the line at things which will sound like I deliberately meant it to hurt, even though I didn't. If the truth needs to be told then the truth is told. I don't lie most of the time and stand up for myself all the time. I won't back down to anyone who I think is trying to put one over me. Alot of people find this abrasive and downright offensive. And I'm okay with that. Others love me for it. People know that when they ask me a question they will get an honest answer, I won't try to make them happy by lying to them.

Sounds a lot like me. I usually try to think before I open my mouth - however, this doesn’t work when I’m truly angry. I may say insulting things then, but then I do at least MEAN them. In contrast to other people who call me “false” and then tell me they didn’t mean it. *snarl* I won’t feel bad about insulting a person who did deserve it, and I usually manage to make up with those who didn’t. My bigger worry when I’m losing control like that is that I’ll say non-witty, childish things… and I do not want to appear childish. It makes me feel weak.
In fact, I do often think so long before speaking (especially in tense situations, near-arguments) that I do feel quite foolish. But as long as I’m still calm, I want to avoid insulting people, and am always trying to be diplomatic. Which takes time. And in tense situations, I can hardly think clearly, so it takes even longer.
And I try to tell the truth, no matter what. Even though at times I will only tell part of the truth and keep other things quiet, which is another one of the reasons it often takes me so long to answer. I need to choose my words carefully, because I often feel, if I say too much, or say the wrong thing, I will put myself in a weak position, if you know what I mean.

For all those reasons, I prefer writing. Because nobody will know how long, how many tries it took me to write it. If I have a secret to tell, or an argument to end, I prefer to do so in a letter.

Genisis X wrote:

I like the person I am and that's all there is too it. Everyone else can have thier opinions of me, good or bad, and it won't stop me from being who I am.

I like myself, too – now. It took a long time, a lot of hard work, a lot of good experiences to encourage me until I learned to like myself. And, strangely enough, also bad experiences… somehow, being bullied taught me to remain who I am out of pure spite. And now, what others think about me can no longer hurt me.
If people like me, it’s fine, if they don’t, so what? I don’t need them to tell me I’m doing the right thing, I can figure that out by myself.

Ad1tu wrote:

All in all, it seems people just worry too much about what other people think. So what if every single person in your dorm/class/office/whatever doesn't like you? That doesn't necessarily mean you're a "bad" person (although it might) because there are other people out there

No, it doesn’t make you a bad person, but it can make your life miserable. It won’t matter so much if you have enough self-confidence, and other friends. But if you already don’t like yourself… then even the disapproval of a few people can hurt. Going to boarding school with a bunch of 15/16-year olds right now I’m experiencing this rather strongly.

Ad1tu wrote:

I find that the majority of people out there are very concerned about being politically correct

I DO try not to offend people. Maybe it’s different here than in the US, it isn’t very clearly defined what you can and can’t say, but I guess I just was raised to be … tolerant and not offend people – at least not with things they can’t help. Many of my co-workers have rather racist viewpoints, but I have the feeling they just don’t know any better. If they expect me to agree with them, I’ll just say, “I will not judge anybody by where they come from. There are nice people everywhere, and there are assholes everywhere (Austria included)”.
As for disabled people, I have a disabled brother, and I love him dearly, so people had better not say the wrong thing when I’m around.

Libra-in-a-roundabout-way wrote:

That's me sitting on the floor in a bar, because I want to sit and there are no more seats available... And I do not get it when people that I'm with start whispering urgently for me to stand up...

Hehehe.. that does sound like me – not necessarily bars, because I don’t go there, but I do weird things everywhere else – I sit on the floor, or with my feet on my chair, walk barefoot, wear weird clothes, walk in the rain when everyone’s running for cover…

And lastly, I like this sentence:

Ad1tu wrote:

We feel that everything should be fair, but only when the fairness favors us

And now I'll finally shut up.

Another interesting question...

I've always been a rather private person.  My disinclination to share "secrets" has more to do with either not having the patience to explain said "secret" in such a way that it could be understood from my point of view, or the impression that the other party is incapable of understanding my point of view.  And without some expectation of understanding, why share the "secret" at all?

Perhaps 'patience' is not the right word.  I tend to gravitate to people who think or perceive certain things similar to the way I do.  And with different people, it's different things.  And similar does not mean exact.  And sometimes it's simply an open-mindedness, a willingness to approach things from another angle.  It is those people who already have a bit of similar mind-set to mine, to whom I don't have to explain every freaking inexplicable detail and emotion, that I share my "secrets" with.  Because they're more likely to understand.

Social persecution and isolation can only occur if you allow it.  Political correctness is a myth ~ someone somewhere in the world can and will find anything you say offensive, given the right or wrong context.  Confidentiality can only be assured with an executed iron-clad legal document, and maybe not even then (hackles down, Em).  Acceptance, like well, is a deep subject...

'Course none of this has anything to do with ADHD or speaking impulsively.  It is very rare for me to speak impulsively, years of talking to people on the phone, call after call, day after day, trained it out of me.

Pardon my long-windedness, my unfocussed thought-process...

Acceptance does not necessarily equate to understanding; understanding does not necessarily equate to acceptance.

I stand by my earlier post in that it is understanding that I seek; but I'm at a loss to describe the difference between acceptance and understanding.... gah!