I should have expected as much from an 87% hipster. ;)

I love Dave Barry to pieces, and I didn't know he was a member of the RBR! DB in Cyberspace is hysterical - everytime I read the part that says, "Come, take my hand." and it has a little hand wingding I laugh and laugh and cry because I have wasted my life. The Red Wings lost because they are from detroit - don't you know that detroit sports cause nothing but pain and agony? *hands over the cold compress of PAIN*

Don't hate on me because I'm deck, man.

I hope to God that I was not ... that sod. :P

Dave Barry is the funniest man alive, bar none.  I've never heard anything by the Rockbottom Remainders, but with a lineup like that... well, they might still suck, but they're cool at least!

Wow.  I didn't know Amy Tan was, like... hot.  Maybe it's just a good picture? ~_^

@ the Robotic Shopper: Dave Barry is a pretty well known humor writer here in the US.  He has a weekly article in the Miami Herald, found here.  He pokes fun of life's little foibles, but mainly he pokes fun of people in Miami. :)  (He also wrote a nifty Lord of the Rings review.)

Also, I think Lian the Robotic Shopper would make a good brand for an anime-themed line of clothing (a.k.a. Hello Kitty). :P

[ April 23, 2003: Message edited by: Rook ]

[ April 23, 2003: Message edited by: Rook ]

Wasteland #50
More Waste than you can shake a stick at
by Rook

On today's menu: Belgian Waffles

Grab a seat and welcome to the fiftieth Wasteland!  It's been a long time coming, what with the mini-rants and my adjusting to personal life and my chronic laziness.  Mostly the last one.  But as we currently have a very short lull in work, so I'll try to bang out some unreadable garbage in this short space of time.

We've got a wonderful Wasteland ahead!  Guest appearances by Ye Loaf of Infamy, Anonymous White Supermacist, and The Robotic Shopper!

Unfortunately, Ye Loaf of Infamy died some time during the Middle ages, and the Anonymous White Supermacist was just too unpleasant to have on.  We only have the Robotic Shopper now, and we just went blank during the question writing phase, so I was like, "What-ever!"

Instead, we'll just refer you to the enjoyable TWMB Reunion thread.

Thank you!  Good night everyone!

...

You still here?  OK, junior, then pay attention: these next few minutes may change your life:

-----
Word of the Day
For some reason, I am addicted to the farrago that is M-W.com's Word of the Day page.  Perhaps I want to increase my legerity.  Perhaps I aim to be an obfuscating polyglot.  Mostly, I want to be an annoying vocab freak.

If you're a meshuggener like me, "Word of the Day" is for you!  Sort through the obsolete gimcrackery qua gallimaufry, and soon you will parol with artless bravado!  Don't be soporific... be charismatic!  Just don't expect anyone to actually understand you. :)

Today's word of the day, by the way, is "wangle".

-----
You're my best friend....

Someone at work has been posting doctored photos of Dubya and Saddam together... as if they were best friends.  There's one that shows them skydiving.  Another shows them fishing.  And there's one that has their faces superimposed on the Blues Brothers.

They're good for a chuckle... and kinda sad at the same time, since George and Saddam do look pretty good as best friends.

-----
I'm a blonde...

A long time ago, in the land of College, someone once accused me of being blonde.  That provoked a double take: first of all, I'm a full-blooded Asian, and my hair is black.  Secondly, anytime I've colored my hair, it's been typically red or blue.  And thirdly, the guy who was accusing me of being blonde was himself sandy-haired.

So, naturally, I asked, "Huh?"

He explained that I never take anything in life seriously, and that I have an extremely short attention span.  He says that blonde is a state of mind, not a hair color.

Makes sense.

But then again, I should never take anything seriously from a guy who once bragged that his second cousin is the drummer for Hootie and the Blowfish.

-----
...but I'm not Legally Blonde

What is it with the movie "Legally Blonde"?  This movie has become the de facto anthem for women everywhere!  OK, maybe not women everywhere, but a good number of women I've spoken too recently tell me that they loved the movie.  Even worse, the tell me it's their favorite movie of all time!

I'll admit, "Legally Blonde" is a funny movie, and Reese Witherspoon is an excellent actress.  It's sorta the Adam Sandler movie for women.  And, well, it is a feel good movie, and you'll feel all warm and giggly at the end.

But the sheer glut of fuzzy pink things made me ill.  Also, these gals I talked to seemed to be inspired by the scene where Elle's beautician skills trumps the legal system.  I'm sorry, ladies, but if you think any wisdom can ever be gleaned from grocery store periodicals, you'll be bitterly disappointed.  The end has Elle as the top law school graduate in Harvard, and I ask, "You mean to tell me that the famed Ivy League school couldn't produce a better lawyer than Elle Woods?!?!"

Look, Elle is not a "blonde" like me, and she was a decent lawyer, but there was nothing, nothing in this movie that suggested that Elle was the best lawyer in the world.  And the ending synopsis was ridiculous: we get subtitles that tell us that the "bad guys" suffered horribly.  We never see it happen on screen, and their experiences seem overly gratuitous, but trust us... they suffered.

The most disturbing part, though, is that my cousin, a growing nine year old boy, also thinks that the movie was one the best he's ever seen!  And he's looking forward to "Legally Blonde 2"!!!  Oh, horrors of horrors.

I know, at that moment, that I had to take him down to Wrestlemania.  If the sight of sweaty, muscular, half-naked men in tight leather briefs can't knock the "Legally Blonde" out of him, I don't know what will.

-----
I just had to say it...
I know someone's going to kill me for this, but ... I like "Yu Yu Hakusho" better than "Rurouni Kenshin"!  In fact, when it's time for Toonami, I will schedule my day to watch the lame Dragonball clone, but I often turn off my TV before the excellently animated samurai show!

I now accept my death.... with honor....

-----
The Super Rant
I'd made a flippant remark about doing a Superman rant a while ago, then someone actually took it seriously, I think.  While I was just going to blow it off, I did allow a sliver of Kryptonite into my mind, and that, along with a timely review in Entertainment Weekly, flung me across this tangent.

Why is Superman so boring?

The Man of Steel is the demi-god Campbellian hero, the latest in a long line which includes Gilgamesh, Hercules, and Beowulf.  Yet, unlike his hairier brethren, Superman is, to put it nicely, a white-bread boy scout.  (I'm not the first to mention it either... this accusation has been around since the 50's.)  There was a bold attempt in 1986 after the "Crisis on Infinite Earths" storyline to make the man more edgy, less god-like, more interesting....

And yet, Supes is still the second blandest superhero of all time.

(If you're wondering, the first blandest would have to be Wonder Woman.)

The saddest part about Superman is that he's perenially stuck in an awfully boring era of life: his middle-aged years.  Wow, Superman is married.  Wow, he living the "trendy" life as a Metropolitan socialite.  Three cheers for the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Ah, sort of dozed off there.  Thing is, Superman could be an interesting guy if he wasn't such a smug know it all.  That's why Clark is a more interesting study in his early years: he may still be physically invulnerable, but well, he's still a social loser.  (Even in "Smallville", Clark is an awkward and confused kid.)  That's what we liked about him: nerdy Clark Kent transforms into the super-strong protector of the world, but at the end of the day, he's one of us.  (For the record, even "Old" Superman --- like the one seen in "Kingdom Come" --- is an interesting fellow.  Call me ageist, but thirtysomething superheroes suck.)

The latte-sipping Clark Kent just makes me want to hit him.  But I can't you know... because Clark would crush my skull or something.

Here's a recommendation to vastly improve Superman: have him go after Saddam.  I seem to remember some old comics that have a superhero punching Adolph Hitler's lights out.  It's seen as pretty campy today, but think about it: if you have superphenomenal powers, what would you do with them?  And if Eric Cartman can take down Osama bin Laden, why can't Superman?

-----
... and the rest

On the other end of the spectrum is the man in black: Batman.  While Batman is often seen as being more action-oriented than the Last Son of Kryptonite, and thus, more appealing.  However, ponder this: if, in real life, a millionaire was cruising around the city in a snazzy car and beating up criminals, what would you say?  Batman's no hero: he's just a spoiled rich brat looking to take out his aggression on someone.  Sure, we cheer for him when he takes on mentally ill guys in clown paint, but how about all those other times when he takes down petty bank robbers?

And, instead of buying all those "wonderful toys", shouldn't Bruce Wayne donate his money, instead, to help beef up Gotham's police force?  From what I've seen, Commissioner Gordon is a decent guy, and there are hardly any corrupt officers in the Gotham police.  Why don't they get the batarangs and the stealth planes and the bat anti-shark repellant.  Dear God, the more I think of how many officers die in senseless shark attacks, the more I despise Bruce Wayne.

I wonder, too, whether guys like The Flash envy the superheroes who have theme songs.  Bats is still associated by his groovy 60's lyrics, and Superman has inspired shoveloads of rock ballads (though I do wonder, sometimes, if artists under a Time Warner label are contractually required to compose a Superman-themed song.  When Five For Fighting, Crash Test Dummies, and Spin Doctors all sing about Superman, you have to wonder.)

Eh, the Flash probably tells everyone that Queen's "Flash Gordon" theme song is really about him, and then all his friends shake their head sadly, and pat Flash on the back, after which Flash runs off and sobs, wondering why even the Green Lantern is mentioned, somewhere, in song.

Poor, poor Flash.

Let's finally end this debate

So who's funnier: Dave Barry or John Stewart?  Let's end this debate right now:

He's a little bit country 
And he's a little bit rock-n-roll
He thinks squirrels are funny,
And he lampoons the Capitol,
He thinks that would make a great band name
And he breaks new with deadpan droll
And they're both wicked fun, with a little country and rock and roll. 

Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you fifty episodes. We want to thank our guests, Superman, Reese Witherspoon, Jean Luc Goddard, and the hardworking Hamsters of America.

Barry Rocks, Stewart Rocks, WHO CARES?? Fifty Episodes!
Barry Rocks, Stewart Rocks, WHO CARES?? Fifty Episodes!   

(Apologies to Matt Stone and Trey Parker :P)

[ April 24, 2003: Message edited by: Rook ]

Lian the Robotic Shopper wrote:

*jumps out of seat to initiate thunderous applause*

*imitoots exarctly* Yay! And put me in the firmly "Legally Blonde Sucks" camp too!

*joins in the applaus to make it more thunderous*

I haven't even seen legally blonde.

yalahii.

Bandit wrote:

More stuff's coming - a friend of mine wrote for an essay on, "Who's Your Hero?" that Batman was her choice because he was rich and got to fight crime and get chicks. I think Superman is just jealous cause Bruce is a swingin bachelor and makes POW and ZAM noises when he punches stuff.

Batman... better than Superman?  Rabble rabble rabble!

LOL That was truly a classic episode.

"Hola bitchola!  I am Hennifer Hlopez!  I like tacos and burritos!"

"Oh, Kylie!  Why you no like me?  Kissie kissie!"

"I'm not Hennifer Hlopez.  I'm really ... Mitch Connor."

:P

Ha ha!  That made my day.  You should have gone ahead and structured out

"He works as an evil CEO -at- a non-existent forum -with- stale breakfast pastries."

:D

But you were pretty darned close with your actual sentence, anyway.

In related news, there was an article earlier this week about us in the Wall Street Journal.  The first paragraph read: "In an anonymous white building with mirrored windows near Boeing Co's jumbo-jet plant in Everett, Wash., engineers are planning an innovative plane...."  I jumped up and screamed, "Anonymous white building?  Holy crap!!  That's us!"

The paragraph makes my job sould a lot cooler and more deliciously secretive than in real life.  But dang it, I kinda like the almost secret ops sound of my job, eh?

So you should have structured it as

"He works -as- an unlisted corporate agent -at- an anonymous white building -in- the top secret R&D department."

:P

Rook wrote:

"In an anonymous white building with mirrored windows near Boeing Co's jumbo-jet plant in Everett, Wash., engineers are planning an innovative plane..."

:P

"The whole building says 'go away!'"

Rook wrote:

(though I do wonder, sometimes, if artists under a Time Warner label are contractually required to compose a Superman-themed song. When Five For Fighting, Crash Test Dummies, and Spin Doctors all sing about Superman, you have to wonder.)

I *knew* there was *something* going on!!

Random Response Generator 1313, 27/04/03